About five years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It was the best day of my life because I could finally put a name to the thing that had been haunting me for so long. I could finally put a name to the thing that had almost ruined me–mentally, physically, and financially.
There is not a day when I don’t wake up wondering how I will feel today. Will I be zooming around like a bat out of hell? Will I be brimming over with new ideas and ways to re-invent myself? Will I get to bed at 11 pm or 3 am? Or, will I sleep all day or drag myself through the day?
I just never know. What I do know is that it’s not my fault.
Sometimes it sucks because, back in the day, I would spend money like crazy and not care about the consequences. I bought a car, a 2002 Volvo S40, purely because I wanted it and I felt that I deserved it. I didn’t care that I paid way too much for it and I could not afford it. I needed it and wanted it that day and the fact that I had several months left on a lease contract did not matter. They took the old car and I took the new car. Crazy right? Don’t mention the Volvo to my husband, it’s still a sore subject.
When I told my friends about my diagnosis, they all said, “Really, you don’t look crazy.” Well, that’s because I am not. I am just the life of the party. I am just the person who is not afraid to do anything. I am just the person who always says “I can do that.” I am also the person who does not want to go out. I am also the person who is anti-social. I am also the person who misses deadlines and is always late. I am just the person who turns down your invitations to hang out. That’s just who I am.
They forget and I do not remind them. Sometimes I forget but I remind myself. I just have to remember that it’s all a part of being me.
4 Comments
I don't know where to start. I called your mother not even an hour ago because I was feeling the same way you felt. I always feel this way, that's the reason why I found your site. Unfortunately your moms was too busy but I think I got what I was looking for through your blog. I think I need to seek some counseling myself. Thanks for the courage.
PS
We write alike.
All I can say is "wow" and thank you. Call me anytime you want to talk. You have my number.
I can relate. I guess I should be brave and admit that I have been medically diagnosed with the same disorder. I, too, was relieved to know that my thoughts, actions and behaviors had nothing to do with me and my decisions. I no longer felt like a "bad" person. I see what you're capable of and see what you've proven and I am proud that I can relate to you on a more profound level. I TOTALLY get what you're talking about. I'm the SAME way. Congrats on winning the war.
It is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s better to know, than not know. Trust me. With knowing, you can make choices, the right choices, to take care of yourself.